Parenting a child is a profound spiritual responsibility—one that involves teaching and guiding that child while also honoring their dignity as a unique individual. Sometimes, issues specific to differences in identity arise between cis and straight parents/guardians and LGBTQ+ children they are raising. Approaching these issues with sensitivity and compassion is essential to fostering relationships built on love, trust, compassion and respect.
As members of the LGBTQ+ Rights Committee of the Conservative/Masorti Movement’s Social Justice Commission, we are all personally committed to this work. This article is written by members of the Committee who are parents of queer children. Fortunately, all parents, guardians and caregivers can draw on our rich Jewish heritage to provide guidance and a halakhic framework that affirms and celebrates our children’s identities.
Note: this article is clearly from the perspective of, and addressed to, parents. A future article will highlight the perspective and experience of LGBTQ+ youth.
Traditional Grounding: BeTzelem Elohim
The Conservative Movement has repeatedly affirmed that LGBTQ+ individuals are made BeTzelem Elohim—in God’s image. This assertion was given legal status by Rabbis Elliot Dorff, Daniel Nevins, and Avram Reisner in their 2006 teshuvah (halakhic statement), “Homosexuality, Human Dignity and Halakhah.” It was a tentative first step in recognizing the dignity (kevod habriyot) of gay and lesbian Jews, their relationships and their place in the community and in Jewish professional life. Today, LGBTQ+ students are welcomed into all Conservative/Masorti seminaries to pursue ordination, and clergy are free to officiate at same-sex marriages.
Additionally, over the past 15 years, the movement has adopted a number of teshuvot, resolutions, and public statements in support of LGBTQ rights. These have included publicly voicing support for the equal rights and inclusion for LGBTQ+ people in society, and, most recently, affirming the dignity and rights of transgender individuals.* This halachic grounding can help Jewish parents approach conversations about their child’s gender identity and sexuality in a way that honors their inherent dignity.
Fostering Effective Communication with LGBTQ+ Children
We asked a variety of parents to share the most valuable lessons or experiences they absorbed on their journey parenting a queer child. Their words are included alongside the following suggestions for effective communication. The suggestions below take on special importance when a child has an historically marginalized identity that their caregiver does not share.
1. When your child comes out to you, especially if this news is unexpected, ask open-ended questions from the lens of love, respect, curiosity and encouragement
- We deeply appreciate your sharing this news with us.
- How can we best support/help you on this journey?
- We love you. What do you want us to know?
“We have a strong relationship built on lots of questions—about lots of topics. Some of this includes what it means to be queer, pan, or gay or any other umbrella term—and that ongoing conversation has been important.”
“I found that unconditional love and respect go a long way, as well as the understanding that you are not able to influence a gay identity.“
“I think she was expecting some conflict or drama when she came out to us, since some of her friends had gotten backlash, and our response was basically ‘Okay. That’s fine. We will always love you!’”
2. Hakshavah: Hear Fully Before Responding
- Listen without interrupting.
- Allow silence. Let your child lead.
- Signal through body language and facial expressions that you are open and embracing.
“The most valuable lesson I’ve learned is when a child comes out to their parent, it is essential to actively listen, appreciate their journey is likely not an easy one, and also to understand the importance your acceptance is to them.”
“My job is to listen, to be a guide when asked and to rejoice in their successes. I have learned so much about life from all of them.”
“Another valuable lesson is to be a listener. (My child) has had moments of fear, self-doubting, and anxiety. All she needed was to be heard without any judgment.”
“From experience I have also found that even while expressing your love and support to your child it is also important to be careful with possible nonverbal cues that can be erroneously misinterpreted as not matching what you are saying.”
3. Avoid Ona’at D’varim (words that hurt): Be mindful that words are impactful and can be potentially painful:
Avoid using stereotypes, making assumptions about how coming out will impact their life, or asking questions that judge or challenge your child’s identity, such as:
- Are you sure this isn’t a phase?
- It would be easier if you were straight.
- We just want you to have a normal life.
“(I’ve needed to remember) to check my beliefs and perspective—homophobia is so ingrained in our culture that it is not always immediately apparent to me when humor or “facts” are in fact homophobic.”
4. Create a Home of Kevod Habriyot (Human Dignity), ChesedThere is no perfect translation, but is generally defined as “loving-kindness.” When we act with Hesed, we are doing Gemilut Hasadim. Also spelled: chesed Read more (Kindness) and Emunah (trust)
- Express unconditional support and assurance that your child’s future—partnership, family, community—remains fully open and affirmed.
- Use your child’s chosen name and pronouns.
- If you make a mistake, own it gently: “I’m learning. I’m sorry. I love you. Thank you for your patience.”
- If you think it would be beneficial, consider exploring supportive, affirming therapy for your child. Other family members/caregivers may also find pursuing therapy helpful in processing their own feelings and emotions.
- Balance honesty with deep compassion when navigating your own emotions.
“The lesson I learned was how important it is to find the space to let your child trust you. In our case our daughter came out as gay/queer to her mother during high school, but was encouraged to keep it from me. I wasn’t told until she finished college. My regret is she had to live a lie within her own home and that she feared me and my reaction. Something in my personality or relationship was missing and led them both to this conclusion. I wish that I was viewed as a person who would be accepting and loving. Instead, our daughter had to avoid the truth and for years when I thought we had a good relationship, she could never be herself. We missed so much.”
5. Learn and Advocate
For young people today, coming into an identity that is being actively, systematically and viciously targeted here in the US and elsewhere can be challenging in a myriad of ways. Parents and caregivers can help by learning how to best support their individual child.
- Attend workshops and support groups with or without your child.
- Ask your child what resources have helped them.
- Ensure community spaces, schools, and congregations are supportive.
“I’m very lucky that I was involved in my congregation which had a large Gay and Lesbian population, as well as some trans members. Before that time I didn’t have any gay friends (that I was aware of) and wasn’t very comfortable around gay people. My involvement enables me to grow and realize that different sexual orientations need not affect our relationships.”
We asked parents how Conservative Judaism shaped their experience parenting queer children.
Although the Conservative Movement has not always been a source of support for the queer community, over the years it has adapted and now provides many in the queer community—and their families—a supportive Jewish home.
“Today, Conservative Judaism—like the world around us—reminds me that the only constant is change because that is obviously no longer an issue. So, perhaps being able to adapt to the unknown and the unexpected has helped me show up that way for my kids.”
“Conservative Judaism has been more than compatible. When my child was in college the Rabbi’s Rosh HaShanah sermon included support for the LGBTQ+ community.”
“My identity as a Conservative Jew is a more complex question, as I see it not so much through my own eyes as through (my child’s). She holds resentment toward our congregation because the rabbi at the time…told her he couldn’t perform their marriage. That position changed in subsequent years…but she has distanced herself from our congregation and joined another.”
“As a Conservative Jew, what has shaped my identity is being an individual in a community that advocates and celebrates everyone’s unique qualities.”
“Being a Conservative Jew helped because our faith expects constant questioning and learning. It allowed me to pivot with compassion; I sought answers from our daughter directly, which brought us closer (in truth). Ultimately coming to terms with everything was realized in a conversation with a Rabbi, who in a very sweet message gave me permission to cry. It was a revelatory moment, allowing me to at once accept that our lives will go forward on a different path and have the consent to accept what I had expected was not ever going to happen. It released and invigorated me at the same time.”
“My identity as a Conservative Jew gave me a framework for my experience. Conservative Judaism teaches that two things can be true at once: we can take tradition seriously while also valuing lived human experience. Being a Conservative Jew means understanding that tradition is not static; it has always evolved through thoughtful engagement, study, debate, compassion, and responsibility to the people in front of us. Judaism insists on the dignity of every person, on the idea that each of us is created BeTzelem Elohim, in the Image of God. That principle is more than an abstract concept—God created queer people. Humans have been gay for as long as written history records. What has changed over time is not their existence, but how society treats them: are they shunned, or are they measured by their character? When I look at my daughter—her integrity, her kindness, and the life she has built with her wife—I know exactly how I should answer that question. My faith helped me see my role not as enforcing a templated version of who I thought my child should be, but as affirming who she is and remaining in relationship. My faith didn’t give me certainty; it gave me the language and values to choose love, humility, and presence—turning a complex question into a simple answer.”
Conclusion
Parents who root communication in BeTzelem Elohim, Kevod Habriyot, Chesed, listening, and learning uphold Judaism’s deepest teachings while supporting their queer children.
The Conservative Movement has affirmed that supporting queer children is not merely permitted, but required. Every major Rabbinical Assembly resolution asserts that queer identities are compatible with a life of mitzvot, TorahRefers to the first five books of the Hebrew Bible, the Tanakh, also called the Five Books of Moses, Pentateuch or the Hebrew equivalent, Humash. This is also called the Written Torah. The term may also refer to teachings that expound on Jewish tradition. Read more, and full Jewish belonging. Parents and caregivers who walk this path can feel anchored in halakha and guided by the deepest values of our tradition: dignity, compassion, justice, and love.
“I’ve learned that my role as a parent is not to shape my children into versions of myself, but to walk alongside them as they become themselves. There is no greater hope than to raise children who are good people—healthy, fulfilled, and grounded—who find their place in the world, people who love them, and communities that sustain them. What that life looks like is ultimately theirs to define.”
Resources:
There are many tools and resources available for parents and caregivers of LGBTQ+ youth. Some places to start include:
Keshet: For LGBTQ+ Equality in Jewish Life, whose resources include a list of Services and Resources for Trans People and Families
- To book a consultation with Keshet, email education@keshetonline.org or use their website to reach out to a local staff member.
PFLAG, an organization dedicated to supporting, educating, and advocating for LGBTQ+ people and those who love them
The Trevor Project, which provides crisis support as well as extensive research on the mental health and wellbeing of LGBTQ+ youth
Conservative/Masorti Yachad Guide: a resource compiled by the LGBTQ+ Rights Committee of the Social Justice Commission of Conservative/Masorti Judaism.
*RA Statements and Resolutions
2025: Dignity and Rights of Transgender Individuals | The Rabbinical Assembly
2023: Rabbinical Assembly Condemns Wave of Anti-LGBTQ+ Legislation Across the US
2020: Resolution on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Change Efforts
2016: Resolution Affirming the Rights of Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming People
2014: Resolution in Solidarity with the International LGBT Community
2011: Resolution in Support of Equal Rights & Inclusion for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, + Transgender People
