I was experiencing some memory problems, but I felt they were normal aging and weren’t affecting me too much. Then I got the “hit.” My son mentioned a hike we had recently taken together—and I could not remember it at all.  

A diagnosis of dementia is devastating. The neurologist’s words were unimaginable. I couldn’t connect to dementia in any way. At some point, I realized that I will not heal from this. It started to sink in that this horrible condition is part of my life and that of my family, and will be until I die. While there are ways to possibly slow its progress, my descent into dementia and death is a matter of when, not if.

My dementia didn’t strike just me. Its presence hit my four kids also, very directly. How should they relate to this reality, that this is what their father’s future will be? How should we, as two generations, relate to each other as we deal with this?

Turning to the Torah

I looked everywhere for guidance. When I looked in the TorahRefers to the first five books of the Hebrew Bible, the Tanakh, also called the Five Books of Moses, Pentateuch or the Hebrew equivalent, Humash. This is also called the Written Torah. The term may also refer to teachings that expound on Jewish tradition. Read more, I found, to my surprise, that every week’s parsha refers to dementia in some way. I write this up each week. This gives me a feeling of “being seen,” and provides insights into how to live with this terrible condition.

But one Biblical phrase became especially important: “L’Dor V’Dor” לְדֹר וָדֹר—“from generation to generation,” or “to all generations.” 

At first glance, it simply refers to continuity across generations. But the more I explored this short phrase, the more I felt it relates to and provides guidance to how we as two generations could relate to my dementia.  

The phrase shows us both the unity and the diversity in how we relate to dementia. “To all generations” seems to indicate that all generations get the same guidance. But the Bible recognizes and validates differences between how the generations relate to a situation. In the ten references from Psalms, there are actually six different versions of the phrase.

For example, in Psalm 79:13, the first word “dor” is spelled with a vav (“ו”), and the second is not: לְדוֹר וָדֹר. In Psalm 89:5, the opposite is true: לְדֹר וָדוֹר. 

The different positions of the vav change the emphasis. Psalm 79:13 points to the first generation. Psalm 89:5 points to the second. 

What L’Dor V’Dor Tells Us About Relating to Dementia

Reading these chapters fulfills the different ways we, as two generations, relate to the situation. 

• Psalm 79 reflects my feelings as the parent/patient: anger, denial, need for help, and revenge—with the hope that these will enable us to offer praise “to all generations.” 
• Psalm 89 expresses, accepts, and strengthens the fact that the children will continue with their lives: faith, strength, and covenant are the hallmarks of this chapter. 

In fact, Psalm 89 explicitly refers to the support the next generation receives from the Lord: 

For ever will I establish thy seed, and build up thy throne to all generations. Selah.

These two Psalms helped me realize something crucial. My generation and my children’s generation will relate to my dementia differently. And both responses are legitimate.  

The Reality of This Message

After my denial and realizing how much I needed help, I extended Psalm 79 through my mission of raising Awareness and Conversation about dementia. The list of links at TheAlzheimersConversation.com is my way of bringing light to the future, as Psalm 79 says. I hope that this will be part of my children’s memory of me. 

At the same time, I’m having the joy of watching each of my children build their own lives their own way, truly establishing my offspring, as Psalm 89 envisions.

Which word is written with a vav and which without—am I running off and hiding behind some rabbinic pilpul, sophistry?  

Absolutely not. The variations between the verses listed above have meanings, and all of them can provide insight and guidance. This situation becomes overwhelming for many families that have fallen into it. Dementia is a destroyer of people. How will we relate to this condition and to each other in a way that will not shatter who we are as individuals and as a family?  

As we pay attention to the differences in the words, we see differences in how we may feel and act. We sense that ways others are relating to this terrible situation are also legitimate. Even taking the time and effort to pay attention to the Bible’s relationship to our situation is part of controlling our own responses and our own lives. It’s an exercise in countering what we could easily feel is a futile and hopeless situation.  

Choosing Life

It’s truly a matter of life or death: deciding whether to live as full of life as possible, or resign ourselves to what amounts to a living death. This way of looking at my condition gives me comfort. 

Instead of only looking at myself as being one-directional, in decline on the way to death, I can add a different direction. I’m enhanced by the prominence of my feelings as my thinking is reduced. I feel what I feel and I say what I feel—it’s easy, clean, and beautiful to relate to other people that way! A whole set of considerations, correctness, politeness, and worries have gone away and I get to be the authentic me. Here, I’ll do this right now: I like this me better than the me I’ve been up to now!  

People respond in kind. Sarcasm doesn’t fit into this approach, and people who are used to being sarcastic elsewhere are aware of the difficulty it causes and resist it when speaking with me. And I’m very glad to relate to my children this way. It’s a great moment to have our connection this much more open.

Another impact this change of approach has is how to look ahead in life. Instead of just falling into the category of “Aging,” a person can put an Aging~Younging Duet into their life. Just like a young person has a Bar Mitzvah to transition from youth to responsibility, a person near retirement can have a Bar Matzevah. For example, one step for me was to briefly define what I’ve brought into the world. Instead of that being my “gravestone,” it is my “lifestone”—a beacon for me. The relation between Bar Mitzvah to Bar Matzevah is an astonishing expression of L’Dor V’Dor.

How Communities Can Support L’Dor V’Dor

Synagogues can play a big role in providing environments and methods for supporting people in this condition. 

• They can offer a version of regular activities adjusted to take this condition into account. 
• They can pair youth and elders in a buddy program.
• They can run monthly intergenerational cafés or support groups. 

The involvement of families in these activities brings out a special dimension of L’Dor V’Dor.

Once we feel this, once we bring this approach into how we view ourselves and our next generation, and the connection between us—once we accept this source of insight and guidance—then we can feel that we are truly feeling, understanding, and living by one of the great statements in the Torah: the choice in Deuteronomy 30:19. “I have set before thee life and death, the blessing and the curse; therefore choose life, that thou mayest live, thou and thy seed.”

This essay was submitted as part of Exploring Judaism’s L’Dor V’Dor Essay Contest. To learn more, or submit your own essay, go here.