My Jewish family is all kinds of Jewish. From generation to generation—and even within the same generation—we each find a slightly different place for Judaism in our lives. For some of us, it is front and center, heavily guiding our lifestyle day to day. For others, it rests in the background, quietly present, surfacing on the holy days of the year.  

At our family table, my pork-eating grandfather, who has not been to a synagogue since my brother’s bar mitzvah, smiles across the table at my Modern Orthodox sister, in her long skirt with her packaged kosher meal. My father, who drives to weekly Shabbat services, sits across from my little brother, who proudly wears his Magen David necklace even at non-kosher restaurants. 

We each find our own ways to incorporate Judaism into our lives, and vary in our level of observance and faith. 

Here is how this story unfolded across the generations:

My grandparents

My grandmother once gave us “Jesus loves you” pens, because someone gave them to her for free and she had no idea what they said. Born in the Soviet Union, English was not her first language, and free items were always welcome. 

My grandfather will order pork fried rice at a restaurant and pays no mind to whether or not food is kosher. He grew up very poor and for him, having any food at all is a blessing to be grateful for, not something he believes he has the right to be picky about. My grandparents fast for Yom Kippur, light the menorah for Hanukkah, and proudly cheer us on at our b’nei mitzvah, but they do not keep Shabbat and they do not keep kosher. 

They maintain many Jewish sentiments and values in their lives, even though they may not fall within the typical guidelines of Jewish law. Perhaps they do not keep kosher, but they do not waste (and never let us waste a single morsel of food in our plates) and they are thankful for the food they have. They do not keep Shabbat, but they respect quality time with family on the weekends and the phone and electronics are nowhere to be found when they play with and speak to their grandchildren. 

My grandparents lived difficult lives full of poverty and the struggles of starting a new life in a new country with a new language. They arrived in the United States after years of discrimination and oppression in the Soviet Union. They have shown me that sometimes the struggles of life make it difficult to observe all the Jewish laws, but Judaism is not just about following the rules—it is about keeping alive the spirit of Jewish values, especially when life gets hard. 

My parents

My parents’ generation grew up more comfortably, surrounded by a community that was much more welcoming of the Jewish people. The Jewish community in New York was strong and proud, and after the antisemitism they experienced in the USSR, my parents enthusiastically grasped the opportunity to learn about and express their Jewish heritage. 

They observed more of the Jewish holidays than their parents, attended Friday night Shabbat services, moved to a home within walking distance of a synagogue, and became active members in the Jewish community. I grew up in a Kosher-style home, and they sent us to Hebrew school so that we could learn even more than they did. They had the resources that the previous generation lacked, and they gladly took advantage of the chance to live proudly as Conservative Jews. 

My generation

My generation received every resource and educational opportunity—and then we were given the chance to decide for ourselves how Judaism would fit into our lives. What a luxurious freedom to have. 

All the four children in my family made different choices. My brothers eat bacon, and my sister is Modern Orthodox. I fall somewhere in between: I observe the holidays and maintain certain traditions—like not having pork in the home—and attend Jewish events when I am able to. I had a Jewish wedding to a man who is not Jewish, but is happy to raise children with a strong Jewish identity and Jewish traditions. 

And I believe that in our growingly secular society, this is the new normal. Religion looks different for each person, and holds different meanings in each person’s life, but we all respect each other. We are still unified by the power of our Jewish identity and the struggles of our ancestors. Judaism, above all, honors the family unit, kindness, generosity, and appreciating life. We all have our own ways of instilling those values in our lives. The core belief we all hold close to our heart is to “love thy neighbor as thyself,” and that keeps our Jewish faith and community strong, no matter “how Jewish” we are. 

This essay was submitted as part of Exploring Judaism’s L’Dor V’Dor Essay Contest. To learn more, or submit your own essay, go here.