In this time of rising antisemitism, Jews have to deal with many problems, but one really stands out: inappropriate email sign-offs. Happy holiday greetings for sad days; food-based wishes for fast days; Christmas wishes for, uh, anything… These are just some of the exasperating circumstances Jews in your office are subjected to. So how are you going to create an inclusive office climate for the Jews, when they have such a confusing barrage of different holidays?
We bring glad tidings: a handy-dandy guide for what to say to your Jewish coworkers no matter what time of year it is. We guarantee perfect results (b’li neder). This guide will lead all of the Jews around to you to marvel at how intricate your knowledge of Jewish holiday greetings is and how fitting your email sign-offs are.
Always start with this handy flowchart:
Is it a fast day or a festival?
- Fast day (tzom) = Sad! Don’t offer food. Try to use words like “meaningful” and “easy”!
- Festival (chag) = Happy! Possibly also don’t offer food! Feel free to use words like “happy” and “enjoy”!
For more detail, consider our breakdown:
Exploring Judaism’s Handy-Dandy Guide to Jewish Holiday Greetings
Festivals
Rosh HaShanah: We’re starting with an easy one. This one is happy, so you can just say “Happy Rosh HaShanah!” But hey, if you want to get fancy with it, maybe try “Shofar sho good” as an email sign-off?
Sukkot: For this one Jews build huts and eat—and maybe even sleep—in them. That’s mostly a good time, but your email sign-off should at least reflect your fervent hope that it doesn’t rain. One of the main practices of the holiday is waving some branches and a lemon-like fruit. So an equally apropos email sign-off for Sukkot is “Shake that thing!” Use this one at your own risk. Exploring Judaism takes no responsibility for HR complaints or broken friendships.
Hanukkah: This one is happy, but you can certainly do better than a basic “Happy Hanukkah” for your holiday greetings. We recommend “May you decapitate all your enemies while they’re drunk” (thanks, Judith!) or “There’s no ‘oil’ without ‘oy’!”
Tu BiShvat: Since this is the birthday of the trees, “Go hug a tree” is the most appropriate email sign-off. An equally appropriate alternative is “I hope you ascend through the four mystical worlds this Tu BiShvat.” But that just seems a little unwieldy.
Purim: Since Esther’s name means “hidden,” we recommend putting your email sign-off in white text. Sure, they won’t be able to read it unless they happen to highlight it. But if they do, they’ll realize how much you care about getting things right.
Passover: Do not email. The Jews are too busy cleaning, cooking, and preemptively getting mad that all the best baked goods are going to be brought into the office during Passover when they can’t eat them.
Shavuot: The appropriate Jewish holiday greeting is “I hope you meet your true love in the middle of the night on the threshing floor during harvest season and your union eventually leads to the Messiah” (thanks, Ruth!). For a traditional holiday gift, consider giving your Jewish coworkers a Lactaid pill.
Tu B’Av: Jewish Valentine’s Day, another happy one, is the traditional time to go out into the fields in a borrowed white garment and find a spouse. Maybe a fun office mixer?
Fast Days
Yom Kippur: Somehow both really happy and really sad. Kinda strange, right? We recommend describing this holiday with the most archaic-sounding adjective you can find. If you wish your colleagues a “puissant Yom Kippur!” you at least won’t be repeating others’ mistakes! Also consider “august” and “awesome (in the old-fashioned sense).”
Minor fast days: Judaism has several minor fast days commemorating biblical and historical events. The most helpful thing you can do is schedule multiple important meetings in the afternoon, when any Jews who are fasting will be tired and lightheaded. (Yeah, I’m talking about you, Jewish nonprofits.) Just kidding, don’t do that—but do sign off your emails by wishing an “easy” or “meaningful” fast.
Tisha B’Av: The saddest day of the Jewish year. This is a time to commemorate the destruction of the ancient Temples, the slaughter of Jews during the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Holocaust, and the fact that all the best baked goods were brought to the office during Passover. Maybe don’t say “Wishing you a total downer of a Tisha B’Av” as a Jewish holiday greeting, but you can think it to yourself.
Christmas: This is not a Jewish holiday. Jews don’t need to hear about it.
